I’m A Spoonie

spoon_NorproWhat do you think of when I say SPOON?

An 80’s Valley Girl… “Gag me with a spoon!”
Mary Poppins… “A spoonful of sugar!”
A truck stop diner… “The Greasy Spoon.”
Soundgarden’s classic song… “Spoonman.”
Snuggling with your honey… “Baby, let’s spoon!” A friend of mine shared an article that she found which sums up how I’ve been feeling lately.  You can read the full article here:  But You Don’t Look Sick  Basically, it describes the life of someone with a chronic illness.  It lays out an analogy using spoons to measure how much energy you have each day and how easily you can use up that energy.  It describes how little things that you never used to think about (like taking a shower AND doing your hair, making dinner, etc.) can become huge obstacles. 

This week, I ripped through all of my spoons on Tuesday and Wednesday trying to juggle 5 kids and all the rescheduling from the previous week’s snow days.  It took more energy than what I had reserved so I borrowed spoons from Thursday and Friday to get it all done.  This means that on Thursday I snuggled in bed next to Corbin and slept while he watched movies beside me.  I had to sleep sitting upright because lying supine put too much pressure on my hips.  I felt drugged-I was so tired.  And today every joint in my body aches.  I feel like the Tin Man’s little sister.  Not because I’m missing my heart, but because I’ve rusted solid.  I feel like I’m dragging anvils lashed to my arms, legs, fingers, and shoulders. 

My heart breaks for the time this takes away from my family.  My kids don’t understand why mommy can play, and move, and cook, and organize, and have energy on one day, but not the next.  It’s hard for my hubby to understand that by the time he gets home, I’ve already been forced to use up all my spoons just taking care of the kids.  And, I’m sure, it’s even harder to have worked all day long and have to pick up so much slack because I’m feeling so crummy.  So I shared the Spoon article with him today and I think it helped to paint a better picture of my current physical condition.  I think he realized that I’m not picking and choosing when I feel good, that I don’t have control of when or how hard the fatigue bashes me over the head like a giant sledge hammer.  And that I wish I had more to give…especially to him. 

When I was talking about taking Tatyana to wrestling in the morning, he asked me how I would have enough spoons to get up at 6am and drive her to the high school.  I know it sounds weird, but that quick question was so good for my heart.  To hear that he understands better than anyone can from the sidelines and that he wants me to have as many spoons as I can each day really affirmed his love for me.  When we spoke our vows, promising to love each other “in sickness and in health”, I honestly expected that we’d spend most of our marriage in the latter half of that commitment.  And while it means the world to me that he will stand by me, even when I’m utterly spoonless, my hope is to find answers, regain my previous vigor, and to heal so that my life is, once again, overflowing with spoons…so many that I forget to even count them anymore.